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Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Gagal dan Depression

So I decided to quit my MA in Art Gallery and Museum Studies at University of Leeds. Turns out this is the biggest and stupidest decision I ever made in my life and I keep regretting in every second of it but sometimes I'm quite relief I'm no longer a student at there. I don't know why and still wondering whether this is the right decision or not.

These past few months adalah bulan kesedihan n depression for myself and da family. I lost my unborn nephew in and ALMOST lost my Kak Ngah in December 2013 but Alhamdulillah she's getting better and most sadly I lost my dearest Opah in January 2014. Now I feel soo hopeless and miserable all the time. I went back to Leeds on 21st January after a month at Malaysia kononnya nk take a break n tenangkan pikiran but when I get back it seems I felt nothing and do not want to study anymore. Heck I only stayed for 5 days something like that then I packed all my things and left all my beloved friends at Leeds to go back to Malaysia. Bile kat Leeds rasa nk duk Malaysia tp bile dh kt Malaysia nk rasa duk UK balik.. Skang nih mmg rasa totalyy depressed. I kept blaming myself ALL THE TIME why I let myself all these things happened to me. I should be strong but yet I do not. Suicidal thoughts mmg banyak kali op kos lingering in my mind. I feel so hopeless. I started to keep distance from my friends and I just stayed at home doing nothing mengenang nasib all the time.

I feel so stupid. Kak Ngah yg lost her child is more strong than I am and she really knows how to move on while I am still crying in the inside because I do not stay strong to continue my MA. To think again even if I stayed at Leeds Im not sure whether I can do the MA or not. The worst thing is I lost my interest in EVERYTHING. I reactivated  my Facebook account but until now aku tak bukak dah Facebook. Instagram app pon ak siap delete from my iPhone. I dont know why I feel so ashamed with myself and thats y im doing that. Belum lagi dgn MARA which about Im going to owe and pay to them RM40k++. 

Sesungguhnya Allah mmg nk uji iman, kesabaran n segala2nya but so far Im not taking it very well. Most of the time ak pikir what a waste for everything. To start over mmg payah. Kadang2 rasa nk delete memory MA nih pn ada. Klu ad mesin masa dah lama ak patah balik masa but benda smua dah lepas. Right now i feel so jealous with my friends yg keep stay strong and have fun at the same time kt UK yg wat master tuh. I just hope someday and one day I can get pass through this. Huhuhu


p/s: Seriously I do not want to meet my anybody right now. I just want Hermione's Time Turner. If only if only.....

7 comments:

  1. Moga Allah tunjukkan jalan. In sya allah... may Allah ease ur journey of life.

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  2. La tahzan..innallahamaana..seseungguhnya ujian itu diberi pada yang sanggup memikulnya..move on Azam!

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  3. I experienced failure too. Didn't manage to join my friends to enter my desired uni. Practically not doing anything yet to get back on my feet because yes, starting over is hard.

    But I've gained a lot despite all my loss, and I believe you'll get through all this. Please take care and remember that your existence does matter to the people around you. A lot of people care for you. You are a strong person.

    Try listening to Jangan Menyerah by d'Masiv. I hope as time goes by, your pain will be healed, and you'll come out stronger.

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  4. azam..it's ok..be strong my friend. it has been over 2 years that I did not open blogspot but every once in a while I will read your blog and other friends too (though some people think that I always being left outdated in terms of hot news :D). well here you are, luckily i know what has happened you. take your time, but don't take too long because you will never know what awaits you if you don't gather your courage to face outside world. gather your strength and spirit. meet up the people who have been supporting you. let it all go. i'm sure there are a lot of people that are missing you right now :)

    hope you will get better, smile and always havoc like you always do :)

    Your schoolmate,
    Intan :)

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  5. I don't know if you're already fine or whatever but just in case. I had dark times too. And no one can reached me at that time! Dark and lonely. Get out of there! You can do this! Come on, you only have one life!

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  6. Assalam wbt bro. Hoping dat u dah get back on ur feet right now. U know right that Allah xkan uji hambanya dgn benda yang hambaNya xmampu tanggung. Everything happens for a reason. I know its sound cliche. But test for human from Allah is never a cliche. I hope u will find happiness after all the bad things u have faced. I am sure one day when u succeed u will laugh back reminiscing the old unfortunate memory dat u had gone thru. Cant wait to read ur next new entry!!

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  7. Salam Azam . Kau tau, aku tak ingat bila , mungkin tahun 2012-2013 . I was reading one of your entries pasal kerja dekat Kinokinuya, sebab aku hantar resume aku sana. Then aku continue baca post-post kau, sampai pada satu post pasal CGPA kau time nak graduate, I was like "Pergh, mamat ni kerja buat gak, study ye gak,", Aku siap stalk FB kau kot . Time tu rambut kau serabai kot. Haha . Stalker kan aku . Time tu aku rasa kau inspiring . "Satu hari aku nak jadi macam kau . Nak jadi budak deanlist, even terpaksa Part-time" Hahaha . Tapi sampai aku nak final da, tak deanlist pun aku, dean blacklist ade ah . Tapi bila baca post kau akhir-akhir ni, serius rasa macam "Dia give-up da?"
    Aku ingat lagi, time aku tengah Drop gila-gila, aku gi kaunseling . Yg IIUM provide untuk student tu hah . Dia tanya masalah aku, dan tak sempat aku jawab, dia ceramahkan aku "Setiap orang ada masalah. Jnagan fikir cuma kamu sahaja ada masalah. Cuma kita yang boleh selesaikan masalah kita" Aku macam "Bangaaaang, dah tu sebab apa tanya? Kamu ingat aku saja-saja nak buang masa lepak borak kosong ke" . Serius weh . Cerita hidup aku sedih kot . Dari segi kehidupan Keluarga, Ekonomi, Akademik, semua ah .Kalau aku tulis kat sini serius KRU atau David Teoh ambik buat script Movies, tapi di setiap kali aku terfikir pasal taqdir dan musibah dalam hidup aku, di setiap kali itulah aku cuba faking the Happiness . Haha . Cliche dop? Tapi serius . Kau cuma perlu survive . Dan waktu benar-benar akan tolong kau . Metafora seh . But, trust me . Satu hari kau akan sangat bersyukur sebab kau tak selesaikan masalah kau dengan bunuh diri atau dengan benda sejenisnya . Takesah ah berapa lama kau kutuk diri kau sebagai sampah Masyarakat, tak berguna, hopeless ke apa, tapi as long as ko bertahan hidup sampai kau da ready nak Move-on, time tu serius ko rasa semoga Allah tambah lagi masa kau untuk hidup . Seriuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuus . Aku pernah ada dekat posisi kau, dan still lagi, cuma aku cuba bajet-bajet semua ni tak kacau hidup aku . Aku faham, benda ni baru lagi untuk kau, still fresh, dan dalam fikiran kau "Benda ni adalah marwah kau, hidup kau, masa kau, duit kau, dan mungkin juga pengorbanan Mak-Bapak kau" . Tapi serius weh, one day, kau akan senyum sebab diberikan kesempatan jadi salah seorang Survivor . =)
    Da ah weh, panjang gila aku merapu bajet Dr.Fazilah Kamsah . Peace .

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HaaA Ngomel JAngan TAk NgomeL !

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