Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Gagal dan Depression

So I decided to quit my MA in Art Gallery and Museum Studies at University of Leeds. Turns out this is the biggest and stupidest decision I ever made in my life and I keep regretting in every second of it but sometimes I'm quite relief I'm no longer a student at there. I don't know why and still wondering whether this is the right decision or not.

These past few months adalah bulan kesedihan n depression for myself and da family. I lost my unborn nephew in and ALMOST lost my Kak Ngah in December 2013 but Alhamdulillah she's getting better and most sadly I lost my dearest Opah in January 2014. Now I feel soo hopeless and miserable all the time. I went back to Leeds on 21st January after a month at Malaysia kononnya nk take a break n tenangkan pikiran but when I get back it seems I felt nothing and do not want to study anymore. Heck I only stayed for 5 days something like that then I packed all my things and left all my beloved friends at Leeds to go back to Malaysia. Bile kat Leeds rasa nk duk Malaysia tp bile dh kt Malaysia nk rasa duk UK balik.. Skang nih mmg rasa totalyy depressed. I kept blaming myself ALL THE TIME why I let myself all these things happened to me. I should be strong but yet I do not. Suicidal thoughts mmg banyak kali op kos lingering in my mind. I feel so hopeless. I started to keep distance from my friends and I just stayed at home doing nothing mengenang nasib all the time.

I feel so stupid. Kak Ngah yg lost her child is more strong than I am and she really knows how to move on while I am still crying in the inside because I do not stay strong to continue my MA. To think again even if I stayed at Leeds Im not sure whether I can do the MA or not. The worst thing is I lost my interest in EVERYTHING. I reactivated  my Facebook account but until now aku tak bukak dah Facebook. Instagram app pon ak siap delete from my iPhone. I dont know why I feel so ashamed with myself and thats y im doing that. Belum lagi dgn MARA which about Im going to owe and pay to them RM40k++. 

Sesungguhnya Allah mmg nk uji iman, kesabaran n segala2nya but so far Im not taking it very well. Most of the time ak pikir what a waste for everything. To start over mmg payah. Kadang2 rasa nk delete memory MA nih pn ada. Klu ad mesin masa dah lama ak patah balik masa but benda smua dah lepas. Right now i feel so jealous with my friends yg keep stay strong and have fun at the same time kt UK yg wat master tuh. I just hope someday and one day I can get pass through this. Huhuhu

p/s: Seriously I do not want to meet my anybody right now. I just want Hermione's Time Turner. If only if only.....


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