"Life is the sum of experiences that we encounter as we go through life. Day to day struggles and triumphs are experienced by all of the world's creatures. As human beings, when we encounter a challenge, we have freedom to choose how to react. Every decision that we make leads us down a different road. We will never come to exactly the same crossroads. Every decision the we make has significance. The tiniest choice that we make reverberates throughout the entire universe."

-Anonymous-


I DREAM a lot. Like A LOT. DREAM makes me happy and excited about life. I think it was during my final semester and final year at IIUM in 2012 that I really met DREAM and understand the real meaning of it. DREAM pushes me to do something that I thought that I never can do in my life. DREAM also made me realized that I can be extraordinary like other extraordinary people in this world. And yes DREAM made me believe that I can pursue a master's degree in United Kingdom, the land where all Malaysians or any people in this world DREAM to get their education and graduated from top universities over here.

Yet, not all DREAMS come true in reality. Fate has led me to meet DEPRESSION. I met DEPRESSION when I get the opportunity to pursue my studies at master's level in MA Art Gallery and Museum Studies at University of Leeds, UK. Suddenly, I was not myself at all after DEPRESSION controlled me.

DEPRESSION took away my happiness.
DEPRESSION took away my self-esteem.
DEPRESSION took away my cheer-bubbly-characteristic-mulut-mak-kiah-pah-bedah.
DEPRESSION made me hopeless.
DEPRESSION made me pessimistic.
DEPRESSION made me regret coming to UK to achieve my DREAM.
DEPRESSION crushed my DREAM to feel what is like to wear convocation robe and become the first family member to graduate overseas. Heck I even sacrificed my opportunity to participate my degree convocation at IIUM because I want to save my money and looking forward for the MA convocation. But it was a waste since I didn't have the convocation to participate at all in the end.
DEPRESSION robbed my DREAM to become one of the first Malaysians to have a degree in museum studies and pioneering in this field.
DEPRESSION made all those 2 years of me hardworking in getting placement at University of Leeds for master's degree and MARA for sponsorship seemed futile.
DEPRESSION led me to become a debtor in which I have massive debt of Ringgit Malaysia with MARA/rakyat of Malaysia.
DEPRESSION made me lost my faith in Islam and towards my Creator, Allah SWT whereby I started to question everything that has happened to me.

DEPRESSION made me lost my DREAM.

I tried to ran away from DEPRESSION after I decided to go back to Malaysia for a while during winter break in December 2014. However, Allah tested my family as my sister lost her second child in which she suffered serious major complications that almost took her life too. Alhamdulillah she survived but the grief continued in January 2015 when my beloved Opah passed away. My family started to notice me that I was really unhappy and lost all the time during this period. After Opah's tahlil I went back to Leeds and I thought I could overcome these grief and DEPRESSION but I just could not. I only stayed at Leeds for few weeks, said goodbye to my dearest friends, packed all my things and went back to Malaysia for good.

I thought everything would be okay after this but I was wrong. I really hit my lowest point in my life at this moment. I slept most of the time and did not want to go out from the house. I disconnected from everyone - deactivated my Facebook, ignoring my friends. I did not want to meet people at all. I started to hate everything around me. I hate my family, house, friends, surroundings and like every single things around me. Even my cute two nephew rugrats, Jaer and Jarish I hate them too. And yes I hate Allah too at that time. I stopped praying five times a day and felt like even prayers cannot help me. I lost my appetite and did not want to eat and this led me to lose my weight rapidly. Regret started to consume me. I felt I was such a big loser because I drop out my studies at UK. I became jealous and irrititated with my friends who were still stay strong at UK pursuing their DREAMS while I already defeated in that journey. Suicidal thoughts kept lingering in my mind. There we soooo many times I had the huge urge to get involved in an accident whenever I ride my bike so that I can kill myself. There was also a time I tried to overdose anti-depressant pills but thank god it didn't work. Whenever I see tall buildings I had the urge to climb to the top and jump from the tallest point of that building. I always cried frantically out of sudden and became hopeless all the time. I could not have positive thoughts just for a day and for me everything I did was pointless. Sometimes I rambled and laughed all by myself. Overall, I almost lost my sanity as a normal human being.

My family was really worried about me especially my parents and they tried to seek help. I went to see many ustaz. Some of the ustaz said I was possessed by evil spirit things - spirits of pharaohs, pope, cross, mummies, saka etc because I visited lots of museums when I was at UK. They said i had low spirit (lemah semangat) and did not have strong 'pendinding'. Soo many rituals i had performed - mandi bunga, mandi limau purut and so on. Somehow I'm not sure whether these things helped me to recover or not but in a way they helped I supposed. My family also started to encourage me to find jobs so that I can preoccupied myself with something to do but I was not very eager much to do so. I was unemployed for months. Once again I felt like a total loser because I had to start all over again while my peers already achieved what they want and have stable jobs. Finally my uncle who works at GM in Petronas Carigali found me a job at Barakah Offshore Petroleum but I only managed to work there for 3 months. I quit because I did not like the job as well as DEPRESSION still haunted me at that time. I tried to seek solace and tranquiltiy by kept going to mosques at the same time and start to pray back slowly. But I still cannot find the real peace.

By October 2014 I felt things suddenly semeed getting better and everything seemed to start working out again too. I dont know why or how it happened but it just did. I went for a short vacation with my dearest Afnan, Mus and Elnur to Kuching and Langkawi and for the first time after a year of DEPRESSION I felt happy. After that I got a job at Tropicana Medical Centre thanks to my sister since she is working at here and she found there was a vacancy at Wellness Centre in this hospital. It was tough at first because I have to learn new things (medical related) and this job is obviously not related all with my bachelor's degree but after a while I managed to get hang around with it. I started to gain back my confidence and meet people and friends whom I have disconnected before this. I may not have the dream job and good salary like my friends or other people do but I am happy with my job and what I am doing right now. I also managed to let go of all the things that made me sad.
But I guess the greatest discovery that I found during this up and down journey is I finally know what is GRATITUDE.

GRATITUDE is what I have been looking for throughout my life. Finally I feel peace and calm after a hell of journey battling DEPRESSION. GRATITUDE makes me to love and appreciate what I have and just enjoy the moment. Through GRATITUDE i finally meet DREAM again and I hope I will not loss my DREAM back. GRATITUDE also made me to thank Allah SWT all the time because finally I got back His sweetnes of Iman, guidance and grace in which He has taken away from me when I was in state of DEPRESSION. Allah has given me second chance to rebuild my life. And now I feel positive than ever and looking forward to live my life again.

Obviously I cannot survived this journey without my lovely and supporting family. Adnan Yonus, Mama, Adzril Adnan, Rulf Fieza, Jep Black, Adzriana Adnan, Mohd Azlan Adnan n Ainna Abdullah. Thank you so much for being so patient with me and support me. To my dearest Dhira Nasir, Habibah Bee, Sya Nurhaneyz and Zaida Uslé thank you so much for helping me out and never give up on me when I was seriously depressed and felt like all alone in this world. I love you girls so much. Terhutang budi gileee dekat korang.

And to my lovely friends and peers thank you so much for being so supportive and never abandon me when I was being such a not good friend to all of you. Thank you also for keep inspiring me to make differences in my life. I love a bunch of all of youuu guys! Hugggsssss Nur Athirah Azni Azyan Azilah Lukas Muse Mueller Podolski M Ikhwan Mba Afnan Fauzi Muhammad Akmal Moktar Ahmad Nabil Saroni Azreen Je Redza Bakhtiar Ellie Haziq Hazwan Lazid Ash Kamtumi Arif Elnur Yusof Jamirul Syafiq Maryam Nabeelah Ismail Khairul Syakirin Azlin Mohd Som Saleema Jamil Syahmi Mohid Shawal Ras Usman Bin Suardi Mahfuzah Zulkifli Maryam Eleena Nur Iliyana Nadea Sukarno Muhammad Nursyahid Fatin Najiha Nasirun

Just would like to share some of my favourite words and sayings that I discover that really have special meanings with what I have been through.

1. Allah SWT said in Holy Koran "He brings them out of the depths of darkness into the light". (Quran Al-Baqarah: 257)

2. "Have patience because Allah will surely reward your efforts". (Quran Hud: 115)

3. "But they plan, and Allah plans. And Allah is the best of planners." (Quran Al-Anfal: 30)

4. "What is destined for you will reach you, even if it be underneath two mountains. What is not destined for you, wil never reach you even if it be between your lips."

"No amount of guilt can change the past, no amount of worrying can change the future. Go easy on yourself, for the outcome of all affairs is determined by Allah's decree. If something is meant to go elsewhere, it will never come your way but if it yours destiny, from you it cannot flee."

- Saidina Umar Al-Khattab-

5. "The greatest cure for broken heart is Gratitude." -Yasmin Mogahed-

6. "Not all those who wander are lost" -J.R.R Tolkien-

7. "And even when your hope is gone move along, move along just to make it through" -The All American Rejects-

8. Fly. Open up the part of you that wants to hide away. You can shine, forget about the reasons why you can't in life, and start to try, cause it's your time, time to fly. -Hillary Duff-

9. The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their DREAMS. -Eleanor Roosevelt-

10. Maybe a reason why all the doors are closed. So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road. Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow. And when it's time you'll know. - Katy Perry-


p/s: Currently obsessing in creating my own art gallery in my own limited space room. More to come! X dapat keja kat museum or art gallery at the moment pon xpe laa. Ad mini art gallery dalam bilik pon dah ckup. Hahaha.

Sudah berumur 26 tahun and I'm loving every second of it!

Dan sudah setahun lima bulan saya depression-free! Alhamdulillah. Now it's time to reclaim back these one year and 5 months moments that I had lost duet to this DEPRESSION. Wohooo

DEPRESSION is a serious mental health issue. Dekat Malaysia penyakit DEPRESSION atau kemurungan jarang dibincangkan di khalayak ramai berbanding di Barat. We need more exposures about this illness to the society people!




Tulisan ini di-copy paste daripada post asal dekat Facebook aku. Haha.